My grandmother has a beautiful voice. I forgot about that until I heard her singing to herself tonight. She made london broil. That was always my grandfathers favorite.
All I really want
is to be left alone with a 24 pack of diet coke and a couple boxes of thin mints. I attempted cooking today and it was an absolute failure. I hate the person that I have been lately. The amount of self-loathing that I am capable of is ridiculous.
why am I alive
why am I alive
why am I alive
why am I alive
why am I alive
I want to be free like I was before.
I used to live by this quote from a Rilo Kiley song—“I am flawed if I’m not free.”
I wish I could still say that and believe in it.
“The broken wren lay in potted plants that hung on the windowsill. We’d watered it just that morning. The soil and loam were still damp; moisture crept into the twisted feathers that clung to that poor thing’s shattered wings. ‘I can’t die like this,’ the wren whimpered. Tremors wrecked up and down its body, trembling from beak to tail. There was a soft imprint on the glass, a smear of particulate where it had struck the window. ‘I didn’t show them. I didn’t show them that I could be better.’ But the ants were already crawling up its legs, its back, its eyes.”
(Source: dyinginback, via ruefle)
I’ve never hated anybody
more than I hate myself. I probably never will. Things that I hate about other people are really just reflections about what I hate within myself. I don’t think I will ever be happy with myself, especially in the relationship that I am in now. I have a growing resentment towards myself for sharing myself with someone else or letting someone else have glimpses into the awful person that I actually am. Everybody would be so much better off not having as cynical or angry of a person like me around. I cannot make myself happy, nonetheless somebody else. It’s a very sad day when you look inside yourself and realize that even you bother yourself. I am such a pitiful person.
today is my 8 month anniversary.
tomorrow is my chemistry midterm.
I’m happy anyway. I love you.
you never made me happy
other than in some sick, masochistic way anyway. You are absolutely disgusting and there is nothing more that I wish than to never see your face again. You have acted like a parasite in my life for the past 2 years and I will not have it any longer. Even though you will never see this I want you to know that you are absolutely the scum of the earth and I hope that one day Karma will show you exactly how worthless you are.
“I want to be where your barefoot walks:
Because, maybe before you step you’ll look at the ground.
I want that blessing.
I open and fill with love,
I open and fill with love and all other objects evaporate.
All the learning in books stays hid on the shelf.
Poetry, the dear words and images of song,
Comes down over me like water.
This is how I would die. Into the love I have for you.
As pieces of cloud dissolve in sunlight.”
-Rumi
